I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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