i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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