Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
