My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
