Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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