Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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