census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
