so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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