Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
