You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
