dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
