I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
