The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
