god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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