I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He passed out mid-signature
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
