I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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