My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
