nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
