I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
worst night to have a conscience
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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