My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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