She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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