i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
