So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
