Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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