You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
