gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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