Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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