Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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