Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
