Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
