So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize