Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
