There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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