I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize