Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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