Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
