So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize