If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
