Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize