just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
