so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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