You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize