where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
