i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
not ubering you a puppy
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
