Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
