I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
