8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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