I bet he comes in French.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
