someone threw a dead crab at me
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
