Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize