party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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