thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
