So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize