He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
