my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
