lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
