omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
cat food counts as protein by the way
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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