i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
