he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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