Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
whose parrot is this?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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